Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
