He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
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Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore