Already got asked if we're dating
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
