3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
