she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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