I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
