I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Randomize
