Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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