You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
