you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
