I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
