omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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