My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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