ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
