Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
