hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
How's work?
Spinning.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
