Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
