Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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