he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
