when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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