turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
