finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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