I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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