Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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