Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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