I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
