you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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