just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We have started to decorate penises.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
