There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
