happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
