anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I AM VODKA MAN
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
