If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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