When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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