Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
