My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
