Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
