I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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