I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
