I feel like I'm in dance class right now
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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