sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
is that a dick in a sweater?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
