i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
it's great music for shaving your balls
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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