life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
