she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
