I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
