it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
