Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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