I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
