i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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