If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
