I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
